The Mistake

I remember the first day we touched physical in a  place
Somehow, somewhere that I cant erase
You were with your friends and I'm with mine
You say Hi and the air was awkward all the time.

You did brag your voice squelching in the room
But my feelings for you were gone running doom
I can see through your eyes the invisibility of your heart
Your intent of courage but failure to start.

Too timid we had a little talk of shame
But as hours ticled fast, we put our own blame
 I was softened by your perfections that guilt eat me whole.
The inch of knowing you better, I can dance on a pole.

One time one day,thunders hit my silver screen
 Each darkness and light, your words remain unbeaten
But I rejected that effort you pushed to extend
 I did assumed you don't let it to end.

Funny how I foreshadow us to become
Fear is greater at stake ,far enough I can't overcome
 I  did conceal the thing like Us
The thoughts are wrong,You did,I did
Its time for us to pass.

-mademoiselle-

SAYING THROUGH

 TBH in my Own

Now that i realized how to live with life, I obviously see it through that there is nothing really impossible :)

Life is indeed a constant change.

I change for the better, I change not because I have to, but because you force me to do so.

I'm sorry.

MY BITTERNESS

" A letter to an EX "

         Remember that love letter I wrote for you a couple of months ago? In my diary? That was actually talking about how I love you that much, although we still talk somehow.

         Guess what happened after our break up? 

I was pathetically holding on because I was willing to wait for you. 

         Well, what about now?

 Now, that you have someone else? Someones who's at your age. Who's ten times prettier than me, who probably doesn't bitch you about things , who probably doesn't tease you childishly, who can probably give you all things that i can't. And the funny thing is? It hurts like hell. Does it really look like it?

Oh! I guess not. I'd never show it, you see. I wouldn't let you have the compliment now. After finding out how affected I become. But the worst part of it all was that fact that whatever you did to me, I still end up thinking about you.

        And now? like finding out that you got someone else , when you promised that you'd never look anyone else but me? LIES ! I hate you. I don't even wanna see you. I don't want to talk to you, hear about you and love you ever again.

I'm breakable and I just did broke. No love songs can fix things now.I'm totally overacting, for no one could ever make me feel better. Because you left me under ice water, so deep, that I'd never be able to come up for air if I wanted.

        Aware that you don't want anything to do with me anymore, I'll just do this last thing for you, even if it kills me. " I love you, Always have and Always will. And I still love you from as far as what you need to get from me.

        Oh! and the last thing i'll do for you? Why don't you actually call me for once and find out? You see, it'll be very confidential. In fact, it's perfectly okay for exes to talk to one another, I'd do it all t6he time, but since you're my first real boyfriend, so I got no exes at all. Too bad.

         Why are you acting so weird? I keep on talking to you but you keep on pushing me away. No wonder, right now, I've been pushing myself away too.You've been dragging me to hell. Then, only because I'm so hurt by the fact that someone as jerk as you making me believe that you never broke promises, could just CHANGE.

         I don't know who are you anymore. I'd say someone that I used to know, but it's far- far like you do. That would  mean I completely shut you out of my mind. And for some freaking reasons I;m having a hard time in doing that. Maybe because you've permanently engraved your name in my mind. Maybe because I associate pain with you , so everytime I;m upset , I saw your face. Maybe because, I had fallen hopelessly in love with you and was so stupid and naive enough to think the same.

       I can't take it anymore. You've cut me into pieces, too small that I don't even know how to fix myself again.

I can't hold any bit longer. I hope your happy that you've got what you wanted and that was HURTING me.

I , sure didn't. Now, you WIN !

" Over and Over I tried,

Over and Over YOU lied,

Over and Over I cried "

SAYONARA !

I DON'T NEED YOU

" you are NOTHING to ME "

          Simply terrifying that for how long I have been waiting,  I end up living. You walked away from me, and I hope you won't come back again. That moment you turn your head away means the moment you want me to be out of your way.

         I know you don't want me in your life anymore. I know from the start that you don't need me either. Just wanted to say, that I hate you the way you hated me. Damn! I had a hard time in  forgetting, but to tell you, you're just nothing. Nothing but a severe illusion. Nothing but a very wild dream of hallucination.


Goodbyes are not forever
Goodbyes are not the end
It only mean,
I WILL MISS YOU until we meet again!

FIGHTING PAIN

" i am a VICTIM "

A week came after my ex boyfriend cleared his affair with another woman. I was like carrying the whole planet. Right at that time, I keep on asking myself where do I begin living without him? I was one of those damn love fanatics. Well, what now? Now that his gone? He’s  JUST  cheating. Who would have thought anyway?

One day, at about 10am, while strolling around the famous dating station here in Cebu-that’s Emall, some spirit crossed in my sight. “Is that him? I’m asking my sister who is a meter beside me. Hey, this isn’t real. I’m talking to myself. Oh come on’ … breath – breath. My heart keeps on trembling inside that I almost can’t get over with. I thought of calming myself, avoiding to get panic because I’m totally out of my mind and I’m kind’a nervous. What am I going to do?  Insanity, here again. My sister was blind about the consciousness I’ve been feeling.  Besides she got her world too. Now, where am I? I’m back to myself. I tried to captivate him. Alas ! …. He was looking at me ?     

                                                              

 [Di bale nang nakita mo akong nakatingin sayo, atleast --- napatunayan kong tinitingnan mo din ako! ! !]

There was this cold wind brushing around my hair. That feeling just like the old times. I started reminiscing my past with him. Damn ! I got a hard time in forgetting. The memory of first love was really unbreakable. So forth, I was thinking the song ‘we are never ever getting back together’ ..

… I remember when we broke up the first time --- I once became a traffic in colon, wherein I CAN’T REALLY  MOVE ON!

Days  passed, I was intrigue to asked his number from his new girlfriend. True! I don’t have some sort of ‘pride stuff’ before. My face is 5cm thick, you see. Imagine, I’ve been pushing myself  into someone? Someone who doesn’t even care about my existence? How stupid! I was pathetic .. really ! Is this what they called love?   ...If  love conquers all, then why does love makes our tears fall???

What’s wrong? My friend shouting  in a doubt. I cried and said “nothing then I turn around and whispered everything”. I fool myself. I keep on pretending to believe that someday-somehow, he will come again to fulfill our promises of forever. Just as I was waiting for a rose to grow without thorns.

 

  How long am I going to wait? Hell, No ! I still want him to be mine.

Whhhhhhattttttt ? he was my first degree cousin????? … is that  for real ? Ahuh ! my dad confirmed. Oh, my God! How on earth am I gonna believe that he’s the one ??? … very confusing  … yes !

 

One morning , an iceberg melted in my heart then suddenly a heater came along. It was like a bomb hitting some part of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. 

Oh ! no…….. ‘dhe ? can you be my girlfriend again?  I can’t believe it when I said … YES !  We automatically is on! But the thing is, there are two of us in his life. I tried to confront him and it seems to be a controversial issue. I don’t get him. So forth, I came to think that he’s not the one. My friends were right. I let him go … and I keep on crying too.

Come on, don’t get me wrong. I’m just one of those victims of love, totally stupid and naive enough, to think that he was into me. Shit! I’m not prepared for this. I just broke. He left me speechless. And he’s been a selfish nerd.

" Love comes at the sweetest and ends perfectly at the bitterness"


" Love then is HARD to FIND and much HARDER to DENY "

A HEARTBREAK IN A SILENCE !

" it was DESTINY "

First, you were happy ,

From the relationship we see.

We  were compatible,

And glad for everybody.

Yes, you were always  there ,

To  stand by me.

Then you said ‘we had enough,

We don’t meant to be’.

And, I cried for that time,

When you  were almost mine.

I cried for the wound,

That keeps on bleeding inside.

I cried for the memories,

The  unforgettable  and the new.

I cried for the pain,

That I thought,  I had you.

Then, I’ve tried to accept,

Those days you’re gone.

I tried to let go of those,

Everything we’ve done

 To forget the things,

I reminisce to get.

To give up the love,

I always tried to regret.

But, I wish I’ll meet you,

In the  crossroads someday.

I wish for without me,

Your  going to be okay.

I wish for your happiness,

With her side everyday.

And for you to remember,

That it’s never easy.

So, I want you to sense,

My hostile feeling for you.

I want you to saw ,

That I’m not attached to you.

I want you to do,

As if  ignoring me too.

Because I want you to go,

Like you always do.

" That moment I walked away from you, I was actually walking too slowly  hoping that you'll follow , too bad, it's killing me inside because you did not even dare !

" Love means waiting until you both see each other again "